Author's Note:  Okay, this one has non-graphic sexual references, general adulty themes and isn't very nice at all. It's also quite sweary from the beginning. You have been warned.

~ Say It's Alright ~

I am so fuckin' happy!

I literally cannot remember a time when I was this happy.

The time as a newbie, when I dropped down on Martin 'Rooster' Goldman, locked my armoured thighs around his neck and delivered the killing move to win the spring circuit's Free-For-All extravaganza and just knew that the cameras had picked it up from every angle and the execs would be creaming themselves?

Not even close.

I have found the perfect man.

Funny thing is, he's not the type that I thought I'd fall for. Figured I'd go for some successful Op type who's retiring after making a killing – though not in the way I do. The contract circuit breeds them tough, hard and ambitious, but it breeds them fatalistic and short lived too. The media types who surround it are just slimeballs and the rest of the bastards who prop it up are just vultures pecking at a corpse. I never thought I'd find anyone because I'm bred for that circuit. I was going places, I was gonna be number one. I was ready to maim and kill my way to the top, every tendon in my body was poised, built for it...

Most of them came from Karma, so that's me speaking a little more figuratively. I mean it's obviously literally true.

Then I met Joseph. I remember the first time I saw him.

Almost... I think I do. It was all chaotic around that time in my life. I went in for some new ears after that tag team match where Slo-Moe fired his fucking FEN706 off right next to my head. I had to take down Pretty Bird and the 'Mander down with a ringing as the only thing I could hear. Managed it though, just about. Shame about Slo-Moe. The round was supposed to be until one side hit the deck, not to the death. Guess the 'Mander just got lucky, or unlucky depending on how you look at it. I remember Edmonds – he's my agent – trying to sign that LAD could do nothing, but he had to get a pen and write it down in the end. Anyway, I was off getting new ears and he was the doctor that fixed them on, or did the canal work, or something. Probably just fixed them on. He is a plastic surgeon. Works for Karma. Takes all the messed up contract killers and makes them pretty again if they want it. Facial reconstruction and modifications are his usual. I remember he said he didn't have to do any work on me, I was beautiful enough already.

How corny is that?

I mean really?

For some reason though, the look on his face and the way he said it and touched my shoulder all at once turned me to jelly inside. Hell, now I can't think of any way to describe it that isn't corny! I've had my right arm taken off twice, once below the elbow and once at the upper joint and this guy makes me worried, makes me feel like anything I say could be the wrong thing and I'll upset him. It's not like I have much to talk about, conversation seems so easy when he's around. I just talk about my past, my kills – he was a big fan of me on the circuit – and then make pillow talk until he takes me to the bedroom.

Damn, for a doctor... for a guy who hardly works out... he is amazing in bed!

When he's not there... I mean, naturally, the guy has a lot of money, and I mean a lot, more than I ever made so I've moved in with him... when he's not here, I just feel so lonely. Even when I was in the Hunt, down in CS2, I've never felt that alone. I just figure then that whatever came at me, I just had to kill it, and I knew myself and my weapon would come through. With Joseph, I don't have that assurance. So little experience. As I kid I was running with the gangs and this kind of life seemed like a dream that'd never happen, so I never had it. I took my punches, gave out more than I got, and one day a talent scout saw me and that was it... no more old Susan Tucker, it was “Grallator”. My agent picked it, something to do with my long legs or something. Also, he said it ended in “ator” which was always popular with the crowds. Anyway! When he's not there I am at a loss. He has a lot of recordings of my old work, right from when I started. Every match! It should seem creepy, but I think it's adorable. Joe also had a doobrie of me, but I didn't like it so I got rid of it. I watch my old stuff, but I don't watch any of the new material. I really, really don't want to think of the circuit any more. That part of my life is over. When he's not here, I watch my old stuff or just sit and think of him. Sounds pathetic, but I find the time passes swiftly at just the promise of his return. Recently, I've taken to smelling his clothing when he's gone.

Ever notice that? No matter how much you clean stuff, the smell of the owner always just hangs around. It's his place, and it smells so much of him, but holding it and drinking it in just makes it so much more... close.

So, obviously, I've quit the circuit. Used to live for the kill, but now I live for him. I had nothing to lose before, but my pride and my life. Now, my life actually seems a scary thing to lose. With him in it, it seems worth something. I'm not gonna stick my neck on the line for a World of drooling idiots to enjoy. I don't need money, I don't need fame. I have Joseph. The excitement? Trust me, Joseph gives me much more excitement than the circuit ever did. In every way. I keep pestering him for more. I think at first he found my libido and craving for him flattering, but now he thinks I am a bit of a pest. More often than not, he turns me down. But I don't mind. I want him to be happy, and I know he'll put the fire out when he chooses to.

Sometimes he makes me wear my uniform in bed. He had it modified so that it wasn't too inconvenient in the bedroom. I didn't mind, it's never being used in a fire-fight again, doesn't have to take any blows... at least, not the kind it used to! The guns remain in the drawer along with a load of memorabilia from my career, unfired, unused, except as decoration and props when Joseph's feeling really kinky. Even then, he prefers I use my bolas and the special modified jolt gove. You better believe it still jolts!

As I said, you would not believe how happy I am! The circuit, the Susan Tucker who had crawled her way up to major sponsorship through an ocean of blood, sweat and tears is gone, and in her place is a Susan Tucker of domestic bliss. Who'd have thought it?

~

Wow, did I fuck up!

So, we were watching the Alien Sex Channel (I didn't mention this, but that, and similar channels, are a little guilty pleasure of mine. I mentioned my libido before, right?) and there was a whole plot to one of the programmes. I know, porn with plot, whatever. But they were in a restaurant and I asked Joseph when he was going to take me out for a nice meal.

He freaked and got annoyed. I tried to ask why and he just looked at me flustered, and not because... you know... we were getting frisky. He got out of the bed and gave me this oddest, oddest look. After sputtering for a bit he told me I'm not supposed to ask things like that.

I got upset, really upset and as the tears started he yelled at me again and told me I'm not supposed to cry.

Actually, he was right. I'm not.

I have a lot of enemies out on the street, and I'd just be putting him in the firing line of people with old scores to settle. Not just that. I grew up in downtown. I fought the Krosstown lot. I've killed dozens of people, some of them stormers that can pull out your arms for a joke and do! Why the hell should I cry because I've upset someone? Yeah, he's my ideal, perfect man, but I'm still the one who wears the trousers. I'm not going to cry in front of him again. I'm going to keep it in. Like I should stay indoors and not bring some vengeance match into my life by showing my weakside.

The little love that I have known I keep to myself.

~

Well, after that last incident things have been a little stand-offish.

Joseph is still a little odd with me. Maybe I'm just paranoid. He spends more time at work, is hardly around the apartment. Says he's staying in his commuter apartment in Central some nights. Apparently there's been a big fuck up somewhere, a nasty DarkNight ploy, and his services are in hot demand. Lots of ops need patching up and even a few corporates have got involved. That's why he's not here. I was going to switch the news on to find out. I had the remote in my hand, all ready to change the channel and I just felt nauseous. I've had enough killing, I don't think I can stomach watching any more, or even hearing about it. Joseph will do his job, make a load of money and who knows, perhaps he'll buy me something nice.

I spent the rest of the day looking out of his penthouse windows. The rain looked so pretty in the sunset. It wasn't a sunset, it was the red landing light for the nearby airfield with the search lights from a Shiver station hitting the bottom of the clouds in such a way that I could pretend it was a sunset like the ones I saw in New Paris when I was doing that hunter sheet on Ben's Insta-Rafts Inc. For a bunch of inflatable boat manufacturers, those soft boys were heavily armed. When I was looking at the rain, I just wanted to run out naked into it. All the replacements I've had, this body feels so new, so virgin (figuratively, again) that it'd be like the first time I ever felt it.

~

Joseph caught me naked in the rain.

He called me defective but I just giggled. If we can't all cut lose once in a while, it'd be a sad place. Not cut loose like those serial killer psychos, or the war world vets, or the dispersal shivers, but the good kinda cut loose, the kind where you do it before you've killed a load of people. I know, I know I've killed a load of people but that was professional and doesn't count. Joe seemed to stop worrying when he got his wet, naked hug. He just sighed and took me down from the roof into the penthouse and then took me... well, I'll let your mind do the rest. He made me swear I'd never do anything so stupid again. I asked why it was stupid and he paused for far too long. Eventually he said that the shit in the rain could make me ill. He had half a point, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. For all his amazing qualities, Joe is a little introverted and a bit of a stick in the mud. I find it cute! It's fun watching him squirm when I suggest something really perverted, but he always comes around to it. I don't think he realised how coarse an ex-circuit girl could really be. The gallows humour and robust mindsets you get in that place really don't have any taboos. It's just nice to be doing it, not making bad jokes about it.

I let him win. I promised to never go streaking in the rain again.

Like I said, I am so happy!